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I Need Xanax & Cyanide After Watching The MAFS Reunion


We’ve made it to the MAFS reunion dinner. Well done! Let’s see who’s broken up already, or at least if any of the rumours we’ve been hearing have merit.

Alright, the question on everyone’s licked lips has been answered: it’s been six weeks since the final vows.

Selin‘s back, saying she’s learned things about herself from this experiment which was 100% necessary. Bebe Al reckons he is now mature and doesn’t do shoeys. A shame he is still an animal:

mafs reunion mafs recap
i am man hear me roar

Baby Seal (AKA Mitch)! He’s grown several whiskers on his face which makes me proud. Also making me proud is that he’s full of regret after gravely disappointing @badgalella.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs mitch
MO’ RAGRATS

This is exactly what we want from every ex – for them to know how much they fucked up. But did @badgalella succumb to the dumb? Will she succumb to the dumb?

Fuck. She took him back. The entrance! “We’re back baby…. and hornier than ever,” Baby Seal laughs. I guess a seal never changes his… follicles?

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022 mafs reunion
gonna be a schlong night

Apparently, Baby Seal called @badgalella every day. That feels a bit stage-five to me but @badgalella, on the other hand, is loving it. “We’ve had some time to get back to our roots. His roots. Root, you know?” says @badgalella.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs ella
say root again. root.

“Really playing that ah, horny bride card aren’t ya?” Baby Seal responds. The evolution of this once-sexually focussed relationship is outstanding.

They look really happy. Like, a little too happy. Especially @badgalella. He must go down on her heaps because the level of enthusiasm here doesn’t make sense otherwise. Straight men, take notes.

Selina and Cody are also still together? Olivia and Jackson are also still obsessing over each other but you wouldn’t know thanks to her permanently disgruntled face.

mafs reunion mafs 2022 mafs recap mafs olivia and jackson
this is what dreams and made of

Nice Guy (Jack) and Princess Bogan (Dom)! No dice? Fuck our lives. “It kinda fizzled,” explains Princess Bogan. “I’m left very confused,” she continues. Nice Guy is also “gutted”.

But there’s hope! “Never say never,” Princess Bogan tells the producers, who have asked her if a de-fizz between her and Nice Guy is possible. “The great Justin Bieber said it himself. I will never say never.”

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs dom
i will fight til forever

Digging Princess Bogan’s outfit tonight – I feel ready to either sign up to ING or eat a Reese’s peanut butter cup. Of course Liv is talking about Dom. “I’d rather go for a colonoscopy than have dinner with her again, but here we are,” she says.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022 mafs reunion
can they clean your soul with the bowel pls

“I’m prepared for whatever’s thrown at me tonight. Hopefully no red wine because this Christopher Esber does not deserve that,” Princess Bogan says. How’s the fucking plug? There’s a very happy PR company sitting in their lounge room tonight.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022 mafs reunion
Use #BOGAN20 for $20 off at checkout

Ballarat Paris and Brent still hate each other. She’s had her eyebrows done since we saw her last and obviously not by Kristin Fisher. Her dress choice has her looking like a straight-up Malibu Barbie.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs tamara
nuh-uh I’m Disco Barbie!

“Since final vows, I found out Tamara tried to get with another husband,” Brent reveals. Brent’s seen the texts and I’d love to know how and why. Feels like power-producer energy.

Apparently, if Ballarat Paris’ messages went unanswered, she’d follow up with a call, but I also feel like Baby Seal did the dirty and deleted his correspondence with her. “I’ve said from the start, pick your battles – and tonight is definitely the battle to pick,” Brent teases. HERE FOR IT.

Holly! She’s dating someone! “I manifested this,” she tells us. She also tells us that she doesn’t have time for “bitches that want to start drama”. She’s first in and flapping around and talking to herself. Her fake sage is out and ready.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs holly
i’m sage-ing around, move outta my way

Regular Daddy (Anthony) is wearing a bloody vest. He then tries to fist bump Selin, so at this point, all he needs to do is whip out a fedora for me to revoke his daddy title.

mafs reunion mafs recap
i’m not angry, just disappointed

Bebe Al has had a love heart shaved into his head. He’s very happy to see his ex-wife, who thinks love should be on the front of his mind, not the back. “Tonight I feel like I’m entitled to more of an opinion,” Sam teases. “I’m not holding back.”

Jackson and Olivia declare they have moved in together – yesterday. Just in time to shove it in everyone’s faces at the reunion! Definitely planned that way. Jackson says it’s a little beach shack of the Cenny Coast but if it’s the same place Olivia’s home visits were, it ain’t no shack.

mafs reunion mafs recap
love shack, baby love shack

He still hasn’t said “love” but Olivia reckons that “actions speak louder than words”. Holly clears her throat. Olivia is scared that people asking him that will scare him away. Doll, if that was a possibility, the extermination would’ve come from you and would’ve happened already.

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righto my darling

Ballarat Paris walks in wearing the worst outfit I have ever seen. I didn’t see it full length before but it truly only gets worse with some kind of sequinned side-train. Bebe Al makes this joke (which I’ve been making all along tbf):

mafs reunion mafs recap 2022
Quarter Quell edition

Ballarat Paris is telling the girls about being shat on during final vows. She reckons her vows were “nice” and that Brent “ran off”. Both of which did not really happen because she lives in an alternate universe. She says he has “little man syndrome” and that he’s “yuck”. Is Baby Seal even tall and does he even have a job?

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022 mafs reunion
cunt good riddanced me

Olivia is very happy to see Nice Guy walk in alone. And so is… Sam? Who has become a touch horrific in the last six-eight weeks? Is she scared she didn’t get enough airtime and is coming in for one last influencer-provoked hurrah?

Sam is trying to put her unsolicited two cents in and Nice Guy shuts her down by saying he can’t wait for Princess Bogan to arrive and that he would date a girl just like Dom in the future. And he loves her to bits. FUCK HE’S GOOD. Who is this man and where do they make more of him?

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
as opposed to one like… you?

Sam is still on her newfound warpath and is preparing for Brent to arrive. She tries to stick up for the sisterhood while simultaneously pooping on the sisterhood.

mafs reunion mafs recap
it’s cool if i do it hey just not Dom

Question from Resting John Face: “Will Tamara give him some respect?”

Answer from her majesty:

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022 mafs reunion
Lynx Africa FTW

Tamara did not even get up from the couch. So Brent declares war. She thinks he wears jackets too long for his “short body”. I’m not sure anyone should be taking fashion advice from someone wearing their Year 10 formal dress.

Olivia is saying she doesn’t have time to deal with Princess Bogan but is also making the time by asking the girls what Nice Guy said after walking in alone. And now they’re bitching about the nude photo again.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022 mafs reunion
vomit

Selina, Cody, Matt, Kate and Jess all arrived. Maybe some other uneventful people too. Princess Bogan! Nice Guy is so stoked to see her. They embrace and it’s cute but meanwhile, Olivia has resorted to her pufferfish ways.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022 mafs reunion
someone deflate me

Baby Seal and @badgalella have walked in together. She is officially his girlfriend which I’m sure has her feeling through the roof. One person who is not through the roof? You guessed it.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022 mafs reunion
like has Ella even been to SinCity?

“Ella and Mitch, they’re a bit strange. Like I’m happy for them, if they’re happy, whatever. But I don’t think it’s one of those relationships that’s going to last,” Ballarat Paris jabs.

Meanwhile, Princess Bogan and Nice Guy are falling in love all over again in the corner.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022 mafs reunion
WE
LOVE
TO
SEE
mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022 mafs reunion
IT

“Seeing Jack tonight, it makes me feel a little bit sad. But I don’t know what happened. It’s something I wanna bring up tonight, for sure,” Princess Bogan tells the cameras.

Everyone has moved on to whether or not Diva (Carolina) and Daniel are coming. Of course those camera hoes are rocking up. “Is she even still with that douchebag?” Holly asks Mr Moneybags (Dion). Sassy Holly!

And yes, they are very much still together and exchanging I love yous in the #sponno car ride. Diva wants to walk in last so that they can be the stars of the show. I don’t care about these two anymore, not that I ever did.

mafs reunion australia mafs recap mafs 2022
from little things, big things grow

Mr Moneybags is the bigger person and greets them both. “It was weird. I think it was forced. It was just him trying to look like the good guy again,” Diva swipes. HE IS A GOOD GUY FFS.

“If I’ve got Carolina yearning for me, I probably wouldn’t say no,” says Matt, who is an interesting person to be commenting on this scenario. “But, at the same time, you’ve got to be respectful about it.”

mafs reunion australia mafs recap mafs 2022
respectful fuccs for life

Dinner has begun and so has Ballarat Paris’ superiority swipes. She tells Bebe Al that he’s being rude by standing over people while talking to them. He tells her that he likes to be rude and proceeds to burp at her.

mafs reunion australia mafs recap mafs 2022
take that slug

“She’s got to keep her nose out of everyone’s business,” he tells the cameras. “No pun intended. Because I know what she’s been doing.”

mafs recap mafs reunion
me nostrils have been norti

Brent wants the table to go around and reflect on the most negative thing they have gone through in this experiment. Fucking hell. Jackson wants to do a positive and a negative, likely so he can declare his not-quite-love for Olivia once more.

Ballarat Paris is first and says her negative was leaving her puppy. Her positive was the mean girlfriends she’s made. Then Brent jumps in. “Was the negative not that you tried to pick up Mitch when we got out of the experiment and he rejected you?”

mafs reunion mafs recap
i do not get rejected

“I tried to pick up Mitch?” she responds. This is the classic question comeback for literally every person who has been called out on something. Buy yourself some time, cupcake.

mafs reunion mafs recap
o shit

OMG, @badgalella is chiming in: “We know, babe.”

“We know? What’s the supposed to mean, Ella?” Ballarat Paris asks.

Um, that they know?

“Ella, what’s the supposed to mean, we know?”

THAT THEY KNOW.

“When you texted me, I was obviously hanging out with Brent every day,” Baby Seal explains. “I felt the need, it’s something that just played on my mind.”

“That wasn’t even me!” Ballarat Paris bites back. “Sam was there as well, that was our mutual friend [who] invited Mitch and her.”

mafs reunion mafs recap
i am shaggy and it wasn’t me

Brent’s not done. “But when he said he didn’t feel right about it, didn’t you jump in and say, ‘Just so you know, I feel no feelings for Brent whatsoever, and I know you’re with Ella but blah blah blah, you should really come it’d be a good time’? Don’t say no because I saw the message so…”

mafs reunion mafs recap
don’t even try cupcake

Hectic. Does she have enough teeth to lick while she thinks of her response?

mafs reunion mafs recap
i’m running out of enamel

“Yep! So if you saw the messages you’d know exactly what they said which is fuck all!”

mafs reunion mafs recap
ya cunt

“She texted me, we have mutual friends, but I still didn’t feel comfortable doing that,” Baby Seal tells the cameras. “There was some kind of intent behind it, something didn’t just sit right I guess.” Meanwhile, at the dinner table, Baby Seal’s new girlfriend is having a great old time.

mafs reunion mafs recap
lol he’s mine

Ballarat Paris now thinks it’s hilarious that anyone would think she’s shoot her shot with a Baby Seal.

mafs reunion mafs recap
lol is he even 6 foot

Brent will not let this slide. He says he hasn’t messaged any of the other wives which, up until this dinner party at least, might be half-true. “No I didn’t invite Mitch to dinner,” Ballarat Paris defends herself. “I thought Mitch and Ella broke up!”

Why… is their relationship status relevant if it was just a friendly meeting?

“So just just admitted it!” Selin jumps in. “You put your foot in your mouth.”

mafs reunion mafs recap
leave feet outta this

“You just said you thought they broke up so clearly you were just trying to get in on it. She wanted a piece of Mitch! That’s what she wanted! Sorry! But that’s what she wanted!”

MAFS REUNION MAFS RECAP
I AM ON FIYAH

“So Mitch showed you that message?” Ballarat Paris asks. “OK Mitch, you wanna tell Brent that you called me a 2am in the morning?”

mafs reunion mafs recap
u up cunt

“We know!!” shouts @badgalalla, laughing. “When I called Ella at 2am, when I called Dion 10 times?” Baby Seal adds. Everyone’s laughing. “He called all of us, babe!”

mafs reunion mafs recap
i was on a fkn bender bruh

“I don’t feel threatened at all because Mitchell has totally reassured me to not ever feel threatened by you,” @badgalella tells Ballarat Paris, quite condescendingly. “I’m not. It was a whole situation, Like he called everyone, not just you.”

mafs reunion mafs recap
u ain’t all that and a bag of potato chips

“That’s… fine. Like I don’t think that’s an issue?” She responds.

mafs reunion mafs recap
i got 99 problems and you feeling threatened ain’t one

“Yeah, it’s just yeah.” Mitchell says… to no one really.

“I don’t think Tamara sent those messages so innocently to Mitch,” @badgalella tells the cameras. “Her intentions aren’t genuine ’cause yeah, she probably thought that Mitchell didn’t tell me or call me 10 times as well. Tamara’s a snake, full stop.”

Back to the game, apparently? Mr Moneybags is up! “Give a speech, because you’re good at that!” Diva jumps in. Al is having a great time, as always.

where’s a shoe when u need one

Diva is resisting her ice princess urges and will not let it go.

i got 99 problems and Carolina is 87 of them

“Negatives? Jeez there’s been a lot!” Mr Moneybags tells the group. Everyone laughs, except for Al who bangs his head repeatedly on the table. But he’s looking at the positives instead. “I’ve left the negatives out of my life.”

“No, the negatives left you,” Diva responds.

mafs reunion mafs carolina mafs recap
so you agree, you think you’re really negative?

“Oooh,” says Daniel because he is her only support network.

“I can stand here and say to every single person, bar a couple, that I love you all so very much, and let’s look at the positives in life!” Everyone does a cheers to celebrate that cushioned dig.

The table had moved on to talk about dating lives post-show. Kate is not dating anyone. “Can we kindle the flame over here maybe?” Mr Moneybags asks, referring to Matt. “There was no flame!” she laughs.

mafs reunion mafs kate mafs recap
so u…. did mean it

“I tried to start the fire! I got the fire lit!” he laughs.

mafs reunion mafs recap
beware my lit personality

“None? Zero?” Matt asks. “Oh come on,” she tells him. “Not even a spark?” Matt tries.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
But I am Nicholas SPARKS 2.0?

The experts and concerned about Olivia because she is not ruining anyone’s life. Jackson is proud of her for keeping it zipped even though she thought she might’ve been a bit too fuck-eyed for that. But Holly is in deep thought. Probably about the time Olivia took Deep South Daddy’s side.

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she did a poo-poo on the sisterhood

“I think Olivia’s being a little bit smug,” Holly tells the cameras, adding that Dom filled her in on everything about the photo. “I am team Dom. What Olivia did is unkind, uncalled for, mean and bullying.”

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Dom needn’t and she shan’t have dealt with that

“So Jackson, I know you got this beautiful relationship, you know, like, that’s… well done,” Holly says. BAHAHAHA.

“I remember one of the things that you said – I think it was the first week or the second week, because I was only there for two couches – was that you love the way Olivia speaks to other people, and her kindness and her warmth.”

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
that was when i thought she had empathy

“Unfortunately, when you weren’t there, we didn’t get that. That second dinner party, I was broken, I was in a toxic relationship, and I came to you guys for support. I didn’t get that!” Holly continues.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
wot is support

“On top of that, what you did to Dom, sourcing a photo and showing it to everyone was really unkind. Liv, why is that you won’t apologise to Dom for the photo?”

“Because I’m not sorry,” Olivia replies. There it is people. Still the undie stain of this experiment.

it’s called accountability, look it up

“I don’t see the power in it when she posted it herself,” Olivia continues.

@badgalella is not having it. “Come dinner party, every single person on the entire table knew but me. Whether I was your mate or not, it’s an explicit pic. Like I woulda been like, babe I don’t know you but there’s a pic going around. It just comes down to who you are.”

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
and who that is, is despicable

“It would hav been easy to knock on my door. My door has my name on it,” Princess Bogan reminds her. “Why would Liv knock on your door?” Jackson asks.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
to… tell me?

Olivia has polluted Jackon’s once female-empowering soul because he replies, “It’s on the internet?”

“It’s not,” Princess Bogan says. “Eugh, google it, it was on there!” Jackson bites back. “It’s not intimate! How intimate is google?”

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
soul = ruined

This is a shame. I thought there was hope for him yet. Olivia is so happy with her influence.

my demonic work here is done

Selina wants to speak. “So it’s the fact that it hurt her, it was shown, and it fucking hurt her. And our actions, hurt this beautiful girl, and that’s why we need to say sorry!”

how are they still not getting it

“Yessss!” Selina adds.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
yaass kween

Cody’s unwavering support is really shitting me up the wall right now.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
unsurprised really

“It was the sharing of it! It wasn’t that your friend found it or that you showed us, it was the fact that it hurt her!” Selina continues. “That is what I’ve been trying to say for the last eight weeks,” Princess Bogan adds, defeated.

“I don’t feel like I need to apologise though,” Olivia reinforces. “I choose to keep my mouth shut.”

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
this girl needs a gratitude journal stat

Princess Bogan has something to say. “When something has affected you the way it has affected me and my stress levels, and leading up to that and having to walk into a room the following day knowing that this had all happened and people are all talking about you. It’s really hard,” she explains.

“Actually, you know what, Dom, you can’t sit there and talk about stress levels when I have felt personally, physically unsafe in your presence. You literally stood across a table and fashioned a fucking weapon!”

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
it’s called fashioned, look it up

“I did not fashion a weapon” Princess Bogan reminds the table. “I did not fashion a weapon. No, no, no no. And I didn’t say it was acceptable either and I apologised.”

“She didn’t apologise to me, and that’s the thing. Like I have no interest in kumbaya, so,” says Olivia.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
petulance-induced headache incoming

“Olivia needs to apologise. The fact she wouldn’t, all it does it make me feel sorry for her.” @badgalella tells the camera. “All it does it scream ever louder the reflection of her, and her personality and her morals and her values. Her actions just reflect who she is.”

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs 2022
I ONLY SPEAK THE TRUTH

Diva is pashing Daniel and telling him she loves him. She clearly doesn’t know how to shove a relationship down people’s faces while she is banned from using her Instagram.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
unfollow and unsubscribe

Daniel is off it that he’s at the end of the table. Carolina asks his permission to start drama, so Daniel uses that as his own ammo to go over to Baby Seal and start some of his own.

“Daniel, took ya a while!” Baby Seal says upon Daniel’s arrival. Daniel demands an apology. “Mate, I’m not saying anything,” Baby Seal responds. “I tell you what mate, I give you this. If I had the chance again, I wouldn’t have said what I said.”

“But you did say!” Diva jumps in. “Be a man and apologise for it!” @badgalella tells Daniel he’s not gonna get what he wants. I mean, if anyone knows about not getting what they want from Baby Seal, it’s her.

Side note: Bebe Al is drinking water straight from the jug.

mafs reunion mafs recap
mum says it’s good for the hangovers

Mr Moneybags has jumped in now. “You wouldn’t have made it anywhere if you didn’t steal someone else’s wife, because your wife didn’t want anything to do with you!”

Jess loves it, almost as much as Daniel overtaking her as a the shit spouse. “Exactly Dion.”

mafs reunion
lol wot a lil’ bitch

“Listen!” Carolina demands. “I never had anything with Dion!” To which Nice guy responds:

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs australia mafs 2022
Princess Bogan’s head making it look like Daniel has shoulder-length hair lololol

Diva says they never kissed or held hands, presumably while thinking about the time Daniel held both her butt cheeks.”Thank God we didn’t!” Mr Moneybags retaliates. Nice Guy is laughing and having a very good time but also where is this hand? Please be on Princess Bogan’s knee.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs australia mafs 2022
hands where i can see them!!!

“Relax,” Daniel tells Princess Bogan out of nowhere? “Or not.”

“I’m very relaxed,” she responds. “You don’t want to see me not relaxed.”

“We definitely don’t because you smash glasses when you’re not relaxed,” Daniel bites back in the most predictable way ever.

Dom doesn’t react. She tells Diva she did not react. Diva congratulates her for not reacting.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs australia mafs 2022
so u think you’re brad pitt

Mr Moneybags asks Diva why she torments Princess Bogan and that he’s sick of her bringing up drama. Daniel says he’s sick of Mr Moneybags because he’s fake, even though we know full-well his Gucky and Bal-marhn are very real.

“I’m fake?!” Mr Moneybags asks Daniel. “Mate, your teeth are more fake than anything I’ve seen in my whole entire life. Where’d you get those done? Bali for two dollars?”

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs australia mafs 2022
get some fake Ray-Bans while you’re at it!!

OK serious question, does Bali do veneers? I thought Thailand was the go-to? Either way, it would definitely be far more than 20,000 Rupiah, but go off Moneybags.

“Every second we entertain the two fools,” Brent says. “The more time we give them air time.” Daniel has gotten up and says, “You’re all, you’re alllll fake!” Daniel is really la-me, isn’t he?

Princess Bogan and Nice Guy are flirting harder than a dick that’s ready to go and we love it.

Now they’re having serious post break-up chats. There seems to have been miscommunication around being too friendly and therefore the relationship being over. He says they are the best of friends because he calls her every second day.

mafs reunion mafs recap
U up sugah?

Princess Bogan thinks it comes down to different love languages, even though that sounds corny.

mafs reunion mafs recap mafs australia mafs 2022
you know what rhymes with corny

“I hope Dom and Jack don’t give up on love,” Holly says on behalf of the entire country.

THAT WAS A LOT. Tomorrow night we watch the tapes back because the memories of these people cannot be trusted.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps / what she should do with her life next on IG here.

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